Geek Girls Rule! #52.5 – As long as the media keeps lobbing them out there, I’ll keep smashing them back.

I know putting 52.5 after 53 might seem counterintuitive, but this really is just an extension of the More Angry Feminist musings entry.

So one of my most favorite whinging lefties, actually like me, she’s more of a jumping up and down on your throat lefty, Melissa McEwan, the founder of Shakesville, did an interview with a Kristin Kalning at MSNBC about the whole Fat Princess controversy. 

Now, the intro sounds promising, where Ms. Kalning explains that the Feminist bloggers are saying that the game is disrespectful, and that the game’s defenders are just telling the Feminists to shut up.  However, she rapidly starts to lose me when she refers to people being “easily offended” and then references an article about a game called “Super Columbine Massacre RPG” which was released on the sixth anniversary of the tragedy, and allows the player to play one of the two perpetrators.  Ok, if being offended by something like that makes me “easily offended” I’d hate to see what Ms. Kalning thinks is justifiably offensive. 

Reading further, it’s kind of difficult to figure out what Kalning’s agenda is at first.  She’s definitely NOT presenting the frothing “UR FAT!1!” crew in a positive light, but she’s not so flattering to the people who were pissed about the game either, and as the article goes on she gets increasingly less so.  Vitriol from both sides is a “turn-off” and the Feminists who are upset over it are “oversensitive women with one hand in the Doritos, the other furiously typing words like ‘heteronormative…’”  Wow, misogyny, anti-feminism AND fat hate in one sentence.  From a woman. 

For the love of little green apples. 

I wish I could say it surprised me, but it doesn’t.   I know, women are frequently some of the worst misogynists out there. 

This next quote is just, wow.  “To me, though, those arguments seem less like self-aware folks in touch with their fatness and more like people who want to laugh at themselves first before anyone else does.  You know, like the guy in high school who smiled wanly as he pulled himself out of the garbage can the jocks  stuffed him into.”

I think… I just had a brain aneurysm.  Ok, first, her example sucks.  Laughing at yourself first is not smiling after you’ve been victimized, it’s victimizing yourself first.  It’s zinging yourself with the “I’m so hip I have to wear wide pants” line before someone else can make a crack about your hips.  It’s drawing your own attention to your ass or thighs before someone else does.  And, not to mention that is completely and utterly not what’s been happening in ANY of the articles criticizing Fat Princess.  Reading comprehenshun, U CN HAZ IT!  Seriously, it would have helped if she’d, I don’t know, actually presented any of the actual arguments.  She allows Melissa to say that the game is hostile to fat women, but doesn’t allow her to elaborate on it.  This is what passes for journalism these days?   

Now, I actually DO agree with this quote:  “I don’t think that Sony and developer Dark Star Industries hatched some malevolent plan in a basement to make fun of overweight people.” 

I don’t think that Sony and Dark Star Industries did this on purpose, either.  And in some ways, that makes it worse, the unthinking cruelty of a society in which fat people, particularly fat women, are played for laughs.  I’m also sure that they didn’t really think about the fact that the only female character in the game is completely helpless, both in the face of her captors and in the face of food. 

That’s a whole lot of offensive shit that could have been prevented with a little thinking.

Geek Girls Rule #53 – Why does Orson Scott Card keep putting that extra ‘m’ in the word “moron?”

First, I have to admit to having read an Orson Scott Card novel, and even enjoying it.  It was nice, middle of the road fantasy/sci fi novel, heavy on the allegory about TEH EVULS OF TEH FLESH (particularly female flesh), but apart from that, it was ok.  Honestly, I had to go look it up online to remember the plot apart from the main character being a girl assassin.  By and large, though, his writing does not excite me.  He’s an adequate sci-fi author who has a good following.  Good for him.  But as I repeat many times in reference to L. Ron Hubbard, who the fuck thinks it’s a good idea to take any philosophical truths from SF/F authors?  Really, now. 

http://mormontimes.com/ME_blogs.php?id=1586  (ETA 8/14/09 apparently the post is no longer there)

Seriously, go read it.  I feel like sharing the head explodey “joy.”

Man, where the hell do I begin with this?  Do I begin with his utter and complete ignorance of… everything?  Ok, not everything.  I’m thinking perhaps a deconstruction of this paragraph by paragraph may prove entertaining, because I can find something wrong in almost every one.  Actually, I’ll just hit a few highlights. 

“The first and greatest threat from court decisions in California and Massachusetts, giving legal recognition to “gay marriage,” is that it marks the end of democracy in America.”

You know, I don’t recall his fiction being this filled with rabid hyperbole, but yup, you read it here first.  Gay marriage will end democracy.  Never mind that the US isn’t actually a Democracy, it’s a Democratic Republic.  In further paragraphs this “end of democracy” is actually due to the activist judges subverting the will of the people in order to follow the homosexual agenda. 

“…it is absurd to claim that these (state) constitutions require marriage to be defined in ways that were unthinkable through all of human history until the past 15 years.”

 Really?  Because up until the Loving decision, a Supreme Court ruling in 1967, it was “unthinkable” to let a mixed race couple marry in the United States.  

“It is such an obvious overreach by judges, far beyond any rational definition of their authority…”

Um, no, it’s not, actually.  It’s actually the definition of their jobs.  From Wikipedia (ok, I’m doing this quick and dirty):  “The supreme court of each state is the final authority on the interpretation of that state’s laws and constitution.”  Next.

“We have seen it with the court decisions legalizing abortion. At first, it was only early abortions; within a few years, though, any abortion up to the killing of a viable baby in mid-birth was made legal.”

BULLSHIT!  Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit!  Sorry.  It’s just such a phenomenally stupid statement, and one that can be refuted with a minimum of effort.  Abortion regulations vary state to state.  Roe -v- Wade just says that women have the right to abortion, that denying abortion violates a woman’s right to privacy.  NO STATE IN THE UNITED STATES ALLOWS ABORTION MID-BIRTH, YOU FUCKING MORON!!!!!  Sorry, again.  I just… wow, the sheer mass of ignorance in that statement makes me want to punch something. 

Here is the link for abortion law in Washington State.  It states that post-viability abortions, except in cases of danger to the mother’s health, are illegal.  You can go read the website for the definition of “viability.”   I found it with Google, so I know it isn’t hard.  In fact, I think I’ll do Mr. Card’s home state.

Well, it doesn’t appear that North Carolina has their laws up on the web, or at least they aren’t coming up on the first two pages of Google results, but I did find this page which provides a brief overview of state laws concerning abortion:  http://members.aol.com/abtrbng/stablw.htm  Hmmm, it seems North Carolina is also a state that outlaws post-viability abortions except in cases of danger to the health of the mother.  Go figure. 

“Not only that, but the courts upheld obviously unconstitutional limitations on free speech and public assembly: It is now illegal even to kneel and pray in front of a clinic that performs abortions.”

Actually, no it’s not illegal to pray there.  It is illegal to obstruct access to the clinic.  Law here:  http://www.usdoj.gov/crt/split/facestat.htm

Dude, seriously, this is like shooting fish in a barrel. 

The next several paragraphs go on about all the schools with textbooks that talk about gay marriage.  Ok, seriously, I haven’t heard of any, but then again, I don’t have kids.  I’ll have to ask my parent-type friends about these Gay Agenda-Friendly textbooks.  But I remain skeptical, to say the least.

“How dangerous is this, politically? Please remember that for the mildest of comments critical of the political agenda of homosexual activists, I have been called a “homophobe” for years.”

And rightly so.  I wouldn’t call terming the legalization of gay marriage “the end of democracy” a “mild” critical comment.  I mean, I guess compared with all the yahoos calling to have all the fags rounded up and put into camps, it COULD be categorized as mild.  But then again, if we take that tack, being shot in the leg with a rifle is “mild” compared to being blown up with a mortar round.  Good grief. 

He goes on to talk about how the term “homophobe” pathologizes people like him.  Well, yeah, because an unreasonable amount of concern with the bedroom practices of people you don’t know, and this panicky insistence that if they are treated like human beings and citizens of the United States that the world will come crashing down around our ears sounds pretty fucking pathological to me. 

“There is no branch of government with the authority to redefine marriage. Marriage is older than government. Its meaning is universal: It is the permanent or semipermanent bond between a man and a woman, establishing responsibilities between the couple and any children that ensue.”

Ok, let’s try this again, “There is no branch of the government with the authority to DEFINE marriage.”  There, fixed it for you.  They aren’t redefining or defining.  They’re letting people marry according to their own beliefs, because of a little thing I like to call the First Amendment.  You know, the one that guarantees your right to be a Mormon, and my right to be a Pagan, and even the rights of people to be Atheists if they want?  Because with freedom OF religion, there also comes an implied freedom FROM religion. 

And this part is just too, too, too easy:  “Its meaning is universal: It is the permanent or semipermanent bond between a man and a woman.”  Um, actually, it’s not.  For most of the existence of a thing called marriage, plural marriages have been the norm.  And not just one guy with lots of women, sometimes even one woman with several guys (ok, way less common, but it still existed).  There’s also the matter of child marriages.  Let’s not forget marriages contracted solely for business arrangements, to cement economic and political ties.  Let’s also not forget the roots of your very own religion, Mr. Card.  Do I really have to point this out?  Are you so lax and degenerate in the history of your own faith that it’s going to take an apostate gentile like myself to point out that not even your Church has always defined marriage as between one man and one woman?

Not to mention that whole “permanent or semi-permanent” thing.  I’m not even going there, it’s too easy. 

“The laws concerning marriage did not create marriage…”

At least we agree on something.

And then he blathers on about what if congress passed laws changing the names of colors and a whole bunch of other stuff that makes zero sense and has jack all to do with the topic at hand.  And then goes back to how no law can change the permanent state of nature, blah blah blah…

Seriously, Mr. Card, if you don’t want people to view you as a hateful homophobe, then please quit saying hateful, homophobic things.  It really is that simple.  If you are against gay marriage, don’t have one.  Your Church already has the right, and will continue to have the right, to refuse to marry people if it so desires, and that will not change, because of the First Amendment, just as some Churches have been performing Spiritual Marriages for LGBTQI folk for years already, because they’ve seen the unfairness and very un-Christian-ness of your stance. 

Honestly, as long as both human beings entering into a marriage are doing so of their own free will and volition, and are of consenting age (or have permission from parents), it really is no one’s business but their own.

Geek Girls Rule! #52 – More Angry Feminist Musings

Yeah, I know, you were all hoping I’d got that out of my system earlier in the “I’m not a bad feminist” rant.  Well, I was, too.  But reality keeps slapping me in the face like a spastic haddock, and I am bull-headed enough to charge when I see red.

Ok, people…  I always smile when I type that.  I have a friend who says she knows one of my rants is going to be a good one when I start with “Ok, people…”

What set me off this time?  A couple of my favorite Whinging Lefty blogs (Shakesville and Feministe) had entries about a downloadable game from Sony called “Fat Princess,” the original commentary on it can be found at Feminist Gamers.   In the game the evil guy forcefeeds the Princess making her fat, and therefore hard to rescue, because fat people are all lazy, sedentary creatures, unable to rescue themselves (particularly fat women) who eat non-stop, voluntarily or not, and never ever do things like run triathalons  (the link is to an article about a fat tri-athelete, since she took down her blog after a rain of trolls calling her a fat, lazy, ugly liar) and no one can lift their gargantuan, adipose asses, not even to save them.  However, one of the most common comments these blogs got, after “you’re fat and ugly hurr hurr hurr” was, “Why are you wasting your time worrying about video games when there are REAL issues to worry about?”

This is something that gets thrown at me and other Feminist critics of the comics or video game industries, or critics of any media deemed “entertainment.”  The idea that if we were “Serious Feminsts” ™ that we wouldn’t be wasting our time on frivolous shit like comics, movies, books, tv shows, etc…  Because there are things going on like the rapes in Darfur, and human trafficking and child abuse and domestic violence. 

Yes, all those horrible things and many, many more are going on every day.  Every day women and children are killed by partners/fathers.  Every day women are so savagely raped that they may never recover, in addition to being shunned by their families because rape is “always” the fault of the woman.  Women and children are trafficked for sex. 

Yes.  All of these horrible, terrible things happen.  And yes, they are things that I care very deeply about, and believe me, if someone gave me a license to track down and kill every last mother fucker who did them, I would.  But no one has, as of yet, gifted me with the job of “Divine Vengeance” so I send money to organizations who can hopefully help the victims of all this horrible shit, and try to raise awareness of it by writing about it and letting people know that it happens all the time and how they can help. 

So, there.  Yes, I admit there are many more pressing and horrible things going on in the world than the size of Powergirl’s tits. 

The thing is the media is a bellweather of attitudes in the society in which it is produced.  Now, I’m not going to get into a “chicken and egg” argument with you about whether the fucked up media causes the societal perceptions, or whether the societal perceptions cause the media.  Because, frankly, I don’t care whether the chicken came first or the egg, what I care about is that the fucking chicken is shitting all over my house. 

Do I believe that comics, videogames, movies, what have you are the source for all the world’s ills when it comes to the mistreatment of women?  No.  Do I believe that by eliminating the more heinous misogynistic tropes in these media, and the rest, that it will solve all misogyny?  No.  Do I think it will help if young people aren’t being constantly told that women are decorative and helpless, and secretly want sex even if they say they don’t, and need rescuing?  Yes.  Yes, I do.  Do I think it will help if maybe we have a media that quits normalizing the objectification and dehumanization of women?  Yes, I do. Do I think that by re-shaping the media we can help change attitudes toward those very terrible, horrible feminist issues that happen every day?  Yes, I do. 

Popular culture IS important as a reflection of societal and cultural attitudes and practices.  And I think you can do some good by changing the reflection first, in order to influence the rest.  If you want some hardcore Feminist perspective on pop culture, Bitch is amazing at deconstructing popular culture as it relates to attitudes toward gender.  Do I agree with everything written in it?  No, but it always makes me think.  

Can I single-handedly stop the rapes in Darfur?  No.  Can I stop domestic violence, rape, human trafficking and child abuse?  No.  Can I convince a bunch of angry people to write in and tell media conglomerates that rape isn’t funny and they need to quit making it a joke?  Maybe.   

One of the rallying cries of the Feminist movement(s) is that “The personal is political” (Carol Hanisch, 1969).   What that means to me, is that sometimes that to make big change, you have to start small.  People are less resentful of little changes over time than they are of cataclysmic, earth-shaking changes.  Think of the end of the objectification of women in media as a little step towards convincing certain men that raping women is not their right, towards not viewing women and children as property, towards actual equality.  And yeah, there are days when I wish I had God’s own wrath and power to strike down the assheads, but I don’t.  So I do what I can, where I am, how I can.  And if that means irritating the fuck out of you by harping on women’s roles in media, then oh well…  Suck it up, Sunshine.

 

ETA:  I guess one important point I should have made directly, and didn’t was:  I can still care about the big things while I rail at the “frivolous.”  Really.  I can.  Honest.

Drive-by updating

Ok, I survived my trek into the wilds of Michigan, with only minimal bug bites.  Saw my grandparents, and reconnected with the family. 

Tonight is the Girl Game, and hopefully we’ll get some actual playing in.  Have heard nothing from one member of the game since she expressed her displeasure with my topic from the 3rd podcast.  Don’t know if she’s ever going to come back, but it would be nice to know. 

Still enjoying BSG.  Need to borrow the rest from a friend. 

I think that’s about it for now.  I’ll try to do something substantive over the weekend.

Geek Girls Rule! #51 – Battlestar Galactica

Ok, so I am actually old enough to have seen the original series during it’s original run on network television.  I also watched the late 70s/early 80s Buck Rogers series.  I know, I’m dating myself.  I even had an Apollo doll (one of the 13″ ones) and my sister had a Cylon.

However, even with the rose-colored glasses of nostalgia firmly in place, I knew that the old Battlestar did NOT bear re-viewing as an adult.  That and Mr. Geek Girl What Rules tried to watch it when he was home sick one day and was bitterly disappointed.

When I heard there was going to be a new Battlestar, I was trepidatious.  I mean, I was still smarting from George Lucas’ raping of my childhood in the guise of Episodes I (not bad), II (worse) and III (oh sweet Jesus, my beloved childhood memories!!).   I did not greet the news of a new Battlestar graciously.  Actually, I believe my first words were, “Oh for the love of all that is holy, how are they going to screw THIS up?”

They didn’t.  At least not in what I’ve seen so far.  I’ve watched the miniseries and the first couple episodes and I like it.  A lot.  And I LOVE Starbuck.  Actually, Mr. Geek Girl What Rules’ response to her intro scene, where she punches the Colonel was, “Wow, honey!  She IS you!”  So far I have really enjoyed the characterization of the female Starbuck a lot.  She’s tough, to the point, but not emotionless or cold.  She has a tight rein on her feelings, but they’re still there, and pretty damn close to the surface.

I can’t wait to watch the rest of the series to date.  I actually got a little queasy watching the mini-series and particularly the episode “33.”  The whole idea of being relentlessly hunted by an enemy who always seemed to know exactly where you were and for how long was just really disturbing to me.

I highly approve.

Well, I’m off on a trek back to the Midwest to see my grandparents, so if I don’t approve any comments or answer any questions for a while it’s because I opted not to take the laptop with me, nothing personal to any of you all.  Catch you on the flipside.

Geek Girls Rule Greatest Hits #15 – Attracting Geek Girls Part II

(Originally published at Media Gauntlet)

Okay, now that we have you all clean, good-smelling and well-dressed, you’re ready to find yourself a Geek Girl. Where do you look?

Anywhere you normally find Geek Boys: game stores, comic shops, book stores, in line for the latest Fantasy/Sci-Fi movie extravaganza, libraries, the anime section of your local video store, checking out the latest issue of Scientific American at the newsstand, Game Stop or any other electronics boutique.

So, you spot the Geek Girl. There she is, flipping through the latest issue of Uncanny X-Men, wearing a JTHM t-shirt. What do you do? How do you approach her?

“Hi, how are you?”
“Hi, you into the X-Men?”
“Hi, that issue is really awesome!”

Seriously, that’s it.

NEVER use any of those cheesy, lame pick up lines that “men’s” magazines like Maxim or Stuff keep trying to propagate. Don’t even think about saying the following:

“You must be tired. You’ve been running through my mind all day.”
“Did it hurt? Falling from heaven?”
“Do you know karate, because your body’s kicking.”

Trust me.  I’ve had all of the above lines, and countless more, used on me and my response generally sounds something like this:

“Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha… No.” (insert straight-faced emoticon here)

One other thing you do NOT want to do is imply that she is too good-looking or hot to be into whatever she’s obviously into. This is not a compliment, and it will get you shot down faster than an X-wing fighter outside the Death Star.

If you don’t want her to think you’re an ass, walk up, look at her face, and say, “Hi.” Do not stare at her tits. Do not try to touch her. Do not get all smarm-a-licious. Just speak to her as you would to any human being you didn’t want to fuck. Normal tone of voice. I know that for some of you stammering is unavoidable, and if you’re lucky she’ll find it as cute as I do. Make eye contact.

Once you get past the, “Hi, how are you?” stage, introduce yourself and ask her name. Make a little small talk, and then say, “I think you’re really pretty/attractive/neat/keen, would you like to get coffee some time?”

And I know that for many of you saying those words will be the hardest thing you have ever done in your entire life, harder even than reciting Hamlet in the original Klingon.

Prepare yourself for the eventuality that you will get shot down. Several girls will probably say no. Some will already have boyfriends, girlfriends or husbands. Some will be polite, some will be rude. Just be ready for that.

But some will say “yes.” Get her phone number or email address. Say thank you, feel free to continue the conversation, and in the next day or so, call or email to set up your coffee date. Try to restrain any victory dances until you are out of sight of said girl.

Okay, the coffee date is not a “date” per se, in my eyes. It’s more a of a pre-date, where the two of you talk and figure out if you want to actually go out on a “DATE” date.

On the coffee date, ask her questions about herself as well as talking about yourself. Also, talk TO her, not AT her. Go ahead and ask her what she’s into, be happy if you’re into the same things, do not make yucky faces if you’re not. Do not monopolize the conversation. Again, do NOT stare at her tits.

Be warned, while making it to the coffee date is a big step, it by no means guarantees a real date, nor does your treating for the coffee obligate her to date you, touch you or even speak to you again.

TOPICS TO AVOID
“All my exes are crazy.”
This is one you want to avoid (if you have exes) because either you’re a dick, or you make phenomenally poor choices, over and over and over. Neither of these things is a selling point. And the same goes for her. If all of her exes are crazy, this is a warning sign. You should probably thank her for a pleasant evening and then lose her number.

Past sexual experiences.
Coffee date, way too early for this conversation for most people. I say for most people, because I’ll talk about that to anyone anywhere after any amount of time. I have no shame. But most people do, and this has the potential to be a really awkward conversation killer.

Religion and Politics.
Apart from the most superficial of conversations about this. “I’m a Buddhist.” “Oh, wow, I’m Pagan.” Anything deeper than this is asking for trouble right off the bat. I mean, it’s good to know if you’re compatible on this level, but this is a touch early for that. Political and Spiritual differences are surmountable differences. I’m a Pagan married to a militant Atheist. It gets a little annoying, but it can be done.

However, if you are exceptionally rigid in this department, maybe it is good to get it out of the way early. I mean, if you’re a Puppy-raping, Baby-eating Republican* and she’s a Giver-Goddess, Liberal Earth Mother, odds are good that you’re NOT going to be able to get past it.

Other Women.
This includes you scoping out other girls, and her asking if you think she’s prettier than those other girls. Seriously. It is rude to scope out other chicks while you’re out with one, especially as early as the coffee date. And you don’t want to date someone who is going to ask you right off the bat, “Do you think I’m prettier than…?” And honestly, most Geek Girls won’t ask this. They might ask you if you think they’re better at Star Fleet Battles than that other girl, or guy, or whoever.

THE END OF THE COFFEE DATE.
Not getting a hug or kiss does not mean it didn’t go well. It may just mean that this girl is not casual about physical contact. Tell her you had a good time, and ask her if she’d like to go out again some time. Ask her if she’d like you to call/email. If she says yes, then hooray! Again, wait until you’re out of sight for any victory dances.

If she says no, then thank her for a pleasant evening, chalk one up to experience and get over it.

On the flip side, if YOU decide that you really don’t want to try to date her after this, do NOT tell her you’ll call if you’re not going to. Thank her for a pleasant evening, and if she presses the issue just tell her you really don’t think you’re that compatible, don’t have much in common, whatever.

The key to this situation, really, is to be honest. Be honest in how you present yourself. Be honest in what you say. Be honest about what you want. And that last is something we’ll cover in the next installment: I don’t EVER want to hear you say, “But I’m a Nice Guy.”

*Believe it or not, this is a term of endearment.

Geek Girls Rule Greatest Hits #14 – Attracting Geek Girls Part I

(Originally posted at Media Gauntlet)

Being as I’m a mostly-taken geek girl, the question I get most frequently from my male geek counterparts is, “Do you have a friend you can fix me up with?”

Sometimes I answer “Sure,” sometimes I hesitate, sometimes I answer with an unequivocal “No.”

There are reasons for these answers. “Yes” means I actually do know someone who is single and looking, and I think you’re an acceptable candidate, or maybe even that I’d date you if it were permissible.

“Maybe” means that I mostly find you acceptable and probably might date you myself, but that I don’t have any girls who are currently in the market for hot geek-on-geek action.

“No” means that I wouldn’t touch you with a ten-foot pole,and ,even if I did have single friends, I wouldn’t introduce you to them on a bet. At least not that way.

How do you avoid being in this last category?

Here are a few very basic tips, that honestly I shouldn’t have to iterate here, but given some of my past experiences, I know I do. And, since several people have requested this column, I finally gave in and said, “All right, dead horse, meet my flogger.”

1. Hygiene. All right guys, right up there in the list of things I shouldn’t have to say but do is hygiene. Shower, every day. Use deodorant. If one brand doesn’t work for you, try another, and another. The same goes for soap and shampoo. Everyone’s body chemistry is different and what works for me may well not work for you. Frankly, my husband swears by Secret, all the Ph balance stuff they feed you in the commercials? Ph balance differs more from person to person than between genders, and you can get it in unscented, so don’t worry about smelling girly. Also, brush your teeth. And put odor eaters in your shoes if this is necessary. You don’t want to date girls who are icky and smelly; well, we don’t want to date stinky boys either. And if you’re not sure, ask someone.

Okay, so you don’t stink; now what do we do with you?

2. Clothes. Wear clothing that is clean, relatively neat, fits and represents you well. If that means jeans and vendor tees from work, so be it, as long as they’re clean. If you like ripped jeans and punk rock t-shirts, as long as they’re clean, or at least at a comparable cleanliness level to the girl you’re interested in. If you’re into comic heroes, manga, or gaming t-shirts, for fuck’s sake wash them, but wear them. Take your measurements and buy clothes accordingly. Clothing should not bind, cut or hurt, unless specifically designed to do that.

Human beings are the only species that can change their plumage at will to attract mates. Make sure you’re attracting the right ones. One minor note: t-shirts of women with immense breasts may not go over so well. This is not true for all geek girls, as I’ve noticed that we do have more than the usual percentage of bisexual girls in our numbers, but it is worth noting.

3. Hair. Clean, neat, in good condition. Find a hairstyle that jives with how much effort you want to put in to maintaining it. If you like long hair, great; condition it and brush it. If you like short hair, that’s great too. Just remember: if it takes the hairstylist 20 minutes, gel and a hairdryer to make it look presentable, it’ll probably take you twice as long.

3a. Facial hair. Again. Neat, clean, in good condition. This is a personal taste thing, but really, if you’re going to have the facial hair, make sure you can grow the facial hair and that it’s flattering.

4. The Batcave. Your home, abode, place of residence. Okay, I’m not even talking about sealing the deal and bringing her home. I’m talking about the cleanliness level of where you live and how it effects first impressions when you leave it. If you shower, do laundry and all of the above and your house / apartment / room smells like an armpit roasting in the sun, then that smell will attach itself to your clothes, skin and hair. Clothes and hair, especially are very good at trapping scents. I bartended in smokey nightclubs for several years, and I would have to go home and wash my hair every night, as the stench of cigarette smoke coming from it was just too much to bear. And odds are good you’re spending more time in your home than I did in the clubs or at least your clothes do.

Take out the garbage, clean the catboxes, do the dishes. Besides, if you do all this, that’s one less hurdle to taking the girl home once you do snare her affections.

5. Fingernails. I know this seems like a frivolous, nay even girly, thing to worry about, but I can vouch for the fact that girls care about this. Invest in a nail brush, particularly if you work with your hands and get shit under your nails. Seriously. Stuff under your fingernails can smell bad, and if you do get to some hot geek-on-geek action, can cause infections in your female partner that they won’t thank you for.

Also, file your nails; make sure they’re smooth. Run them over the skin of your cock, or someplace else similarly tender. If it hurts, then start filing, because, if it hurts there, it’ll really hurt on girly tender bits.

In Part II we’ll cover talking to the geek girls, what to say and what not to say.

Geek Girls Rule Greatest Hits #13 – Why I hate D20

Geek Girls Rule! #13

Look, it’s not whining about comics! I promise!

Okay, look, I know D&D is the grand dame of gaming. It is the Progenitor. Blah blah blah…

I don’t like it.

I have always found the rules system clunky, difficult and far too much work for something that is supposed to be fun. And I know D20 D&D is supposed to have streamlined the whole process. I still found character creation tedious, the character sheets confusing and crowded, and WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH ARMOR MAKING YOU HARDER TO HIT???

That aside, I thought it was really telling that of the several people with whom a friend was trying to set up a new gaming group, the majority of us outright vetoed anything with a D20 system. Some of them regularly play and run D20, but the over-riding consensus was still, “No D20.” In fact, several of us offered to learn an entirely new (to us) system for Unknown Armies, rather than play D20 anything.

Seriously, I have played maybe five D20 campaigns. One was bearable because the GM bent it to suit him, and used minimal die rolls anyway, as well as doling out prodigious amounts of player hand-jobs. The others devolved into a bunch of surly growling and a lot of shouting, “Because it’s fucking BROKEN, that’s why!”

And this is too bad, because there are a lot of nifty game worlds built for D20 and the OGL. However, if I use them at all, it’s going to mean a lot of homework for me to convert what I want into GURPS or just playing so fast and loose with the rules that it may as well be a diceless campaign.

Granted, there are going to be those out there who will argue, “Well, if you had a GOOD GM, who KNEW the system…” Okay, a good game should not be dependent on a GM spending years to master a system. We do this for fun, may I remind you. Sure, when I get a new system I expect to spend some time learning it and working out the bugs (cough, the new Warhammer Fantasy, cough). I do not expect to have to spend more time studying it than I did for any graduate level history class I ever attended.

So, there you go. I hate D20 (particularly D&D D20) because its clunky, awkward, and exactly why the fuck DOES armor make you harder to hit instead of soaking damage like it does in any SANE game system?