Geek Girls Rule! #58 – And now we know why you buttheads can’t get a date.

What the fucking fuckity-fuck-fuck-fuck-fucking fuck?

GGR reader Rachel alerted me to an article in the awesome blog the F-Word about an article on a Videogame site about which is better, girls or games.

Ok, I’ll let that sink in before I get to the actual article.

The article can be found here: http://www.gamesradar.com/f/games-vs-girls-which-is-best/a-2008073011325861001 I’m not actually linking it. If you really want to read it, you go. But I don’t want their reader base bombarding me with stupid replies until I sprain my deleting and banning finger.

In the intro they acknowledge that most of their readers are probably male.  Ok, given videogamer demographics, that’s probably a safe bet, particularly after perusing some of their other fine articles. You really want to subject yourself to that, go right ahead. Anyway, in the intro this charmer of a line comes out about games and girls, “You’ll spend a massive amount of time, and effort, not to mention money, trying to touch both.”

Sigh. Ok, already we’ve already established that they think that most of their readers are the kinds of guys who NEED to spend a lot of money to touch girls, and that girls need to be paid for contact. Good start.

First up in their comparison is “Availability.” And they’re, oddly, right.  Girls, like games, are everywhere. When we make up roughly half the population of the planet we’re bound to be all in public and stuff. However, here’s where it starts to break down for me: “They’re laughing at unfunny scenes in films. They’re sucking their bellies in at the gym. They’re buying too-tight shoes in Steve Madden. They’re giving you the come on then wanting to ‘just be friends.’ They’re looking at pictures of Matthew McConaughey.”

Yes, because all girls… Do I need to say it? Really? If you’ve read this much of my stuff you should know that right now I’m willing away a fatal aneurysm with the sheer force of my mind.

Granted, they also demonstrate their low opinion of their male reader-base with this next line: “The globe is dripping with girls. And if you can’t get one there’s something wrong with you. It’s your fault. Yes it is. Make changes loser.”

Next is “Obtainability” and you guessed it, it’s all about, well, I’ll let their own words hang them.
“Contrary to popular belief, obtaining girls isn’t just about having money. There are many other equally superficial things too. Handsome face, good body, career prospects, what car you drive, where you live…”
Their list of things you should do to attract girls are be richer, handsomer, live somewhere cooler, yada yada yada… Whee. 

The third criterion is “Quality.” Ok, the assessment of game quality is pretty spot on. Price doesn’t mean shit, and it’s highly subjective. “But what about the girls?” I hear you ask with bated breath. Wait, it’s coming. First, we compare girls to food, eh, idiotic but not the worst thing I’ve heard women compared to. Their spectrum runs from hippy vegans who don’t shave, to celebutantes. They then say that most girls fall in the middle of the spectrum and you’ll probably be happier with a girl somewhere in the middle. Ok, fine. But then they say if you’re going to date a vegan chick, make sure she shaves, and this gem “But horse-faced women are for British royalty only.” So, subjectivity is good for games, but not for girls. le sigh

Next category is “Time.” Yes, wherein they lament that if you land a girl (“Is your hand down her pants? Then you win!“) you will spend roughly 1/4 of your time doing stuff you can enjoy and the rest of your time doing shit you hate in order to get her to cook for you and have sex with you. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! I think I just lost fourth grade.

Next category is “Cost.” And while they do go off on a diatribe about sacrificing cleanliness for more game time… Yeah… Wait for it: “As for money, be prepared to be bled dry. Dates include most if not all of the above: restaurants, movies, bowling, theatre, clubs, pool, vacations, comedy, meals, bike rentals, ice cream, presents, any and everything remotely fun. If you make it through a weekend with more than twenty bucks in your wallet, we salute you. If you can’t pay for most of these things, find a better job.”

HOLY FUCKING GODS DAMN IT ALL TO HELL!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU FUCKHEADS??????

Sorry, I’m ok, just had to get that out of my system. Ok, looking over at the super cute cat rolling around on his back begging for tummy pettins. Ok, we’re good. Happy place, happy place…

Oh dear Gods, I feel another “episode” coming on: “Ladies know they want an older man who owns property in a large city, dresses stylishly in suits with brand names and is hung like an elephant.”

Oh. My…

Ok, let’s get something straight here. I read lad mags like Hustler and Bizarre. I love them. But this tripe…? I think I owe Maxim and Stuff an apology. I used to say they were the nadir of media. I have been proven wrong. Oh holy shit have I been proven wrong.

And then there’s this: “We didn’t even get into the inevitable times when you have “the talk.” Be prepared to lose at least a year off your life span for every time you need to avert a relationship disaster or listen to how bad a boyfriend you are. Worse than smoking, cancer and a punch in the throat combined, “the talk” saps all life force and eradicates any leftover will to live. Short answer: yes we still like you and no we’re not ready to commit. When we both realize life isn’t fun anymore, then we’ll move in together.”

Please, for the love of God, never, ever, ever, date another human being of any gender as long as you live. Seriously, I beg of thee… No one deserves to be saddled with… I have no words… I am speechless. The stupid has rendered me mute.  But that’s ok, Mr. Geek Girl What Rules to the rescue:  “So, this guy’s telling us he’s had to have the Talk with his hand?”

Ok, happy place, happy place, happy place…

Ok, the last category is “Reward” and I think I have just completely lost my mind. My psyche is trying to claw it’s way out of my skull in order to beat the crap out of me for making it read this article. Holy fucking shit. You know I’ve been trying to tone down the swearing in these columns, but this is just… Seriously, I just sounded like Linda Blair in the Exorcist. Yeah, it has all the sensitivity you’d expect of any paragraph that includes the phrases “getting stanky on your hangdown” and “vag pounder.”

In conclusion, while Gamesradar does insult their male readers two or three times in the article, but it really is nothing in comparison with the huge steaming piles of “WIMMIN R SUPERFISHAL HOORS!!” that fill the rest of the article.  Given just these few excerpts, which by the way are NOT taken out of context, trust me, this has to be one of the most stupidly misogynistic articles I’ve ever laid my poor, suffering, unfortunate eyes on. If you want to go read the article and try to argue that I am taking things out of context, then I shall award you the Gold in Mental Gymnastics for you shall have earned it. Seriously, and while they aren’t at all complimentary toward their own readers, but in a sly “we know this isn’t you, but if it is” sort of way, their attitude toward women is absolutely disgusting.

And it’s not funny. At all. Even a little. Not even in a “GASP! Aren’t they shocking?” sort of way. Not shocking, not funny, and about as clever as a… I can’t come up with anything unclever enough for comparison. This shit makes Larry the Cable Guy look good. I cannot believe I just typed that. I think I need a shower.

Geek Girls Rule! #57 – The Stigma of Being Geek

So, Friday night Marcy and I stopped at Cupcake Royale, the hipster cupcake place here in Seattle, to pick up dessert for the Girl Game. Marcy was just recently voted in to the Girl Game to replace a member who bailed on us. Most of the girls cook for the game, I, alas, do not cook. Or at least not often. So when we play at someone’s house that isn’t mine, I bring dessert.

Anyway, we get to Cupcake Royale last night, and we’re getting chatted up by the cute boy cupcake wrangler and barista. He was asking us what we’re up to that night. Marcy and I look at each other and answer, “Girl’s night.”
“Well, what do you guys do on ‘Girl’s Night?’”
“We hang out, have dinner, play games.”
“What kind of games?”
“Well, games, um, sometimes we play Rock Band.”

Yeah, we just couldn’t bring ourselves to tell the hot boy behind the counter that we were going to go roll dice and pretend to be zombie hunters for about four hours.  There we were, two loud, proud Geek Girls, who engage in multiple gaming groups, go to gaming conventions, run games for people on the fly, and there we were, dancing around the subject of what exactly we were going off to do that night, because the boy doing the asking was hot and we didn’t want to scare him off.

All right, I lie, I DID say something about role-playing, but I also waited until he was grinding the coffee for my espresso.  

Afterwards, after the gaming and the not-gaming and the talking, when I got home and crawled into bed, I replayed that little interaction in the cupcake shop, and cringed. I could not believe I’d been such a weenie about admitting that we were going to be role-playing. I mean, yeah, part of the hesitation to declare that comes from a desire to avoid having to explain what exactly role-playing entails. But a big chunk of it was, “Oh God, don’t freak out the hot normal boy!”

It’s a dynamic I’ve argued about with friends in the pagan, kink, LGBTQ and poly subcultures.  I have a lot of friends who view being out as a moral imperative.  “You have to show people that we aren’t just flakes calling ourselves ‘Starshadow Ravensfury.’ That we’re real people, too!”  And to an extent, yes, they’re right.  People are never going to get comfortable with queer, kinky, pagan, poly people unless they realize that “Bob” in the cubicle next to them, the really awesomely nice guy who’ll chip in money if you’re short for lunch, and who never expects to be paid back, has multiple partners, or worships Gaea, or likes to get beaten with a cane, or… You get the picture. 

And, I mean, I am out to an extent at work.  My co-workers know I’m pagan and bisexual, one or two of them know I have a girlfriend in addition to Mr. Geek Girls What Rules, and some of them even know I’m kinky and a gamer.  But sometimes you want to have interactions with people without having to do spin control.  You know, without having to field questions/comments like, “But you’re a GIRL!” or “You bathe,” or “You have social skills” or “But you have a sense of style.”  Sometimes you just want to have a normal interaction with another human being without having to trot out the whiteboard and diagram the many facets of your subculture, and “No, we aren’t all mouth-breathing, moist-palmed, troglodytes living in our parents’ basements, and honestly, those are kind of the minority.” 

So, yeah, maybe it’s a little cowardly, but mostly it’s just a desire to avoid having to play 20 Questions with someone you just want to flirt with a little before you tip them, take your coffee and cupcakes and go roll some dice.

Geek Girls Rule! #56 – Probably the only openly political post you’ll ever see here.

Ok, cats and kittens, I don’t usually post about politics here, because that’s real world stuff and I geek to get away from that shit.  But this, being geek-related as it is, and both appalling me and making me laugh out loud, bore special mention.

From John McCain’s Website:
“It may be typical of the pro-Obama Dungeons & Dragons crowd to disparage a fellow countryman’s memory of war from the comfort of mom’s basement, but most Americans have the humility and gratitude to respect and learn from the memories of men who suffered on behalf of others.”

Ok, first, this made me laugh because gamers have been some of the most conservative mother fuckers I’ve ever met.  Seriously, why do you think they want to pretend to be knights and paladins slaying dragons and rescuing damsels?  Not to mention that most of my pals who are obsessed with the military and military service, history, etc… are gamers. So, yeah, way to NOT know who the fuck you’re talking about, assholes. 

Then, there’s the “mom’s basement” comment.  Sigh.  This kind of ignorant generalizing does no one any favors.  Least of all someone who doesn’t expect his constituency to be literate enough to realize when he’s swiped a story from a world-reknowned author. 

And to be honest, it may well be true.  I don’t know.  I’m not a Christian, so I don’t know how prevalent drawing crosses in the dirt is for interred Christians.  But the similarities to Solzhenitsyn’s anecdote are incredibly striking, and well, McCain’s a politician, so I wouldn’t trust him with… anything. And the McCain camp could have handled the cries of plagiarism with a touch more aplomb.  Resorting to “name-calling” right off the bat, let alone stupid, ill-informed name calling, really just makes them look guilty. 

Seriously, and before anyone starts screeching about me and my Obama-loving ways, I’m not particularly thrilled with HIM either.  The fact that he seems perfectly fine with throwing reproductive rights under the bus to try to win over a voting population that will never vote for him does not sit well with me.  Not at all.  I’m really getting sick of the Democrats ignoring women because, “where else are you gonna go?”

There was a time when McCain was the only Republican I had ever actually considered voting for, when he was running against Bush Jr. the first time, and actually behaved with some fucking integrity.  You know, before he sold out and started towing the party line with his tongue buried so far up W’s ass he can taste his tonsils. 

Do I think that this is going to drive conservative gamers into the arms of the Democrats?  Nah, probably not.  Do I think it’s an incredibly stupid way to respond to accusations of plagiarism (i.e. lack of integrity)?  Yup, I sure do.  Am I going to enjoy watching my conservative gaming buddies try to rationalize voting for someone who so utterly disregards them as part of his constituency?  I’d probably enjoy it more if I didn’t feel the same way about the Democratic party right now.

 

ETA:  Apparently there’s been an “apology” of sorts, but not one that can actually be referenced back to the offical McCain site, as opposed to the original quote, which is still up there for all the world to see.  Not to mention, “Too late, assholes.”  It’s all over the interwebz now.  It’s not ever going away. 

Geek Girls Rule! #55 – An Article on Female Video Game Costumes that DIDN’T Make my Head Explode!

Start looking for the goat-headed boy, because the apocalypse, she’s a coming!

The article is “Top 5 most preposterous getups in games” and I agree with them.  A lot.  The commentary under the screen caps is freaking hilarious, too.  Under the screenshot of La Mariposa from Dead or Alive 4:  “…because nothing says “I’m a competent combatant and a smart scientist” like a butterfly mask, tassels and matching G-string. “

Bwaa haa haa haa haaaaa!!!  I seriously want to meet the person who wrote this article.  I have a giant crush on their brain for that line alone. 

But really, the butt-flossing, barely there costumes on female characters in games have been making female gamers roll their eyes until they risk a sprain for years.  And for years we’ve just been grinning and bearing it.  But seriously, guys, you’ve been striving for new levels of stupid lately. 

Here’s the thing, if you want jiggle, there are games dedicated to jiggle.  I think Stax used to play this Beach Volleyball game on one of her consoles, that had all the jiggle you could hope for and more.  It was festival of water-balloon-like motion barely constrained by pixelated bikinis.  And those games have their place and audience.  Stax loves her the jiggly bits in her games. 

However, when I’m trying to play a fighting game, I want characters in realistic outfits that look like they might do some good, reasonable footwear, and no one flips their hair in battle. 

I love the SoulCalibur franchise.  I think the games are absolutely beautiful.  I like the gameplay.  I consistently beat the pants off of Mr. Geek Girl What Rules at it.  It’s a lovely game.  But what the hell is up with Ivy’s amazing disappearing outfits?  I swear, her already improbably skimpy outfit has gotten teenier in this latest incarnation of SoulCalibur.  I’m hoping that they still have the alternate costume of SoulCalibur III, where  she wore breeches and a waistcoat, and looked sexy as hell in them.  But the picture of her in the article I linked to above just made me roll my eyes and introduce my head to my desk.  What, butt-floss wasn’t bad enough?  Now we have to introduce boob-floss? 

However, in the same game we have Hildegard von Krone, who is competely and believably armored.  WTF, guys?  Is there some sort of conservation of pixelated armor theorem at work here?  “Well, see if we have this woman in believable armor, that uses up all of the armor pixel allotment we’re allowed for female characters, so we have to take those pixels from somewhere.”

Ok, Ivy’s old “armor” was bad enough.  Not to mention Xianghua’s mega-mini outfit and Sophitia’s miniskirt.  Taki was relatively reasonably dressed.  Granted, some of the male characters are also dressed pretty stupidly.  But Voldo’s actually been getting MORE clothed in successive games.  What gives here?

That said, though, I’ll still play it.  I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE SoulCalibur.  I’m less than enthused about the inclusion of Star Wars characters in it.  Keep Lucas’ money-grubbing, childhood raping hands off my favorite videogame, damn it!  But I’ll still play it.  Now I just need to break down and get a 360.

Geek Girls Rule! 54.5 – Saturday’s Game.

So, Saturday I ran the game where all the characters were the children of adults who had been killed in a medieval fortress.  Up until I started running it I hadn’t decided what had killed them, but I had ideas.  So, after my grilling plans were torpedoed by the stupid weather, we moved everything inside.  Chronivore and Lesleymac played the children of the local hedgewitch, who was a “widow,” being as she was single and had children.  Lesley played the 16 year old elder daughter, Alice, and Chronivore played her 12 year old brother, Martin.  Chronivore’s son played the 15 year old Blacksmith’s son, Draan Stag.  Marcy played Suza, the large daughter of the local Butcher.  And GeekAlpha played the 12 year old, scaredy cat son of the head liveryman, Milo. 

I have not laughed so hard in a game filled with death, blood and dismembered body parts in a long time.  They came out of a hidey-hole, after being wedged in there for two days, and found no bodies, except for a stray head, blood everywhere, and all the meat gone.  Shortly thereafter the bickering started, and never stopped.

They found the commander of the garrison, barricaded in his offices, barely alive, one arm missing.  He ordered them to kill him, and then told them the fortress had been attacked by werewolves, and that they would have to burn his body to be sure.  They killed him, per his orders, and then closed the gates.  They then tried to poison the werewolves by lacing the head they’d found with wolfsbane, and tossing it over the wall. Then they tried setting fire to the forest.  There were multiple squabbles about who was going to do what, when.  Alice kept beating the crap out of Draan. 

The werewolves pulled Alice and Martin’s mom out as a hostage, they were keeping her human and alive to deal with their injuries.  The kids decided they couldn’t risk trying to rescue her and sat tight.  When a caravan approached, they rang the warning bell, which, coupled with the smoke from the smoldering forest, only made them hurry and get destroyed by werewolves right outside the gate.  So, they found blankets, and Alice, who could write, wrote “Werewolves Flee!” on them.  The werewolves snickered at this, but I was not mean enough to have them utilize them as a means to get into the fortress. 

Finally the army showed up to rescue them, and they refused to open the gate until after they’d killed all the werewolves across the road.  About half the army died, but they won.  Then went into the forest after survivors of the Keep.  I let each of them find a parent.  Draan’s dad had to be put down, as he’d been bitten.  But Draan’s older brother survived, and Alice married him, mostly to make Draan miserable. 

I really cannot begin to capture the hilarity of the dialogue this game engendered.  Oh my Lord.  Several times we had to stop so I could quit laughing long enough to set up the next scene, and let them go at it again.  Alice taking Draan’s sword away from him and smacking him in the face with the flat is really one of my favorite moments.  That and the following exchange. 

GeekAlpha:  “So, I know this castle really well.  Is there some way we could escape if the werewolves get in?”
Me:  “Well, there’s the shoot used to jettison the manure from the stables.”
GA:  “How big is it?”
Me:  “It’s big enough for most of you.  Suza might have some trouble with it.”
GA:  “Is there any lard left?”
Marcy (as Suza):  “I know I am large.”

There were more lines like that through the night.  Chronivore’s “unwitting” commentary on his mother’s secondary profession:  (to Draan):  “I don’t know what you’re so proud of.  My mom says your dad isn’t very good with his tool.”

It was a total blast.  I can’t wait to run that scenario again with a different group to see how it turns out.  I was kind of hoping for darker or grittier, but then the 13 year old showed up and I just didn’t want to push those buttons with him there. 

The game was fantastic, and I can’t thank my players enough.

Geek Girls Rule! #54 – I Run Games

I GM fairly frequently, well at least once a month with the Girl Game, but pretty often outside of that.  This weekend, I’ve set myself up to run two games.  Tonight (Friday) I’ll be running up to Stax’s place to run one of three choices I emailed her earlier today, all fantasy-based, for her and one or two others.  Tomorrow, I’ve issued an open invite for anyone who wants to swing by, grill stuff and game out on my lawn.

Frequently, usually on messageboards, people will tell me I’m the only Female GM they know.  And I find this bizarre.  I mean, I know more girls are getting into games every day.  But even in the Story Games community, women who run games are a definite minority.  Now, AmberConNW does have quite a few female GMs, seeing as it’s about a 50/50 split along gender lines, ok, maybe 60/40, and everyone is encouraged to run at least one game.  I usually run two.

Now, I have to say that as a Female GM, regardless of where I’ve been running, I don’t think I’ve run into problems any different from my male GM-ing friends.  I don’t find that the players are any less respectful of me, or my rules-modding, than they are to male GMs at all.  Maybe it’s the company I keep, I don’t know.  I highly encourage women to GM if it interests them.  It may not, I mean, not everyone wants to run games, regardless of gender.  It can be a lot of work. 

In the past I’ve run several games in the Harry Potter universe, both at AmberconNW and for local groups.  I’ve run GURPS vampire games, GURPS Fantasy.  I’ve run Little Fears, both locally and for ACNW.  I’ve run Teenagers from Outer Space.  And oodles of Bridge System games for people just on a pick-up basis.  And, of course, Amber.    The Mister is also trying to convince me that I need to run a Harry Potter LARP for the kids of people we know.  I say that I have no especially deep self-destructive urges right now, but will take it under advisement.

Tomorrow, I’m hoping to have enough people to run a game I’ve been itching to run for months.  Essentially, the players will be the children of people in a Medieval Keep out in the middle of nowhere, a way station in the wilderness, if you will.  The game starts after they come out of hiding after an attack of some sort, and realize that all the adults are dead.  I’m going to have them playing kids ages 9-16, and their character concepts will be built around what their parents/foster parents/trades masters did.  You know, concepts like “Son of the Blacksmith,” or “Daughter of the Brewer” or vice versa.  I figure in a small environment like that, gender lines do tend to break down, because you don’t have the luxury of gender segregation, every hand is needed.  Historical accounts of medieval villages tend to support this.  Gender segregation has, in western lands, largely been a trait of the upper classes.  I’m considering there may have been a very minor noble in attendance, and allowing someone to play his child.  But we’ll see what people want.

I can’t remember when this concept first started percolating in my brain, but I’m very excited about it.  I could have sworn I’d discussed it with Mr. Geek Girl What Rules, but he swears that last night’s drive home was the first time he’d heard mention of it.  I’m pretty sure I discussed it with someone previously.  If it goes well this weekend, I’ll probably run it at AmberconNW this fall. 

For tonight, two of the choices take place in a world I’ve been writing stories in for a while.  In this world, a civil war in the Summerlands leads to a Fae Diaspora into our world, and the Fae become the new immigrants, everywhere.  During a PTA game at a Story Games meet-up we explored the possibility of Fae Enforcers for Al Capone in prohibition era Chicago.  That game, “Guns & Glamour” was so freaking much fun.  Hopefully we can get those same folks again for another episode.  We left with some pretty hefty cliff-hangers going on.  Tonight’s options are, again, a Gangster-Fae sort of thing, or the Fae in Weimar Germany.  Can you just imagine? 

EEEEEEEEEE!!!!

So, other girls who run, share your stories with me.  Have you had any difficulties with gamers of either gender because of YOUR gender?  What’s your favorite system?  Your favorite game?

In Memoriam…

I won’t post his real, full name here out of respect for him.  But I’ll miss him.

I met Thog while working at the club.  He was this great big dorky guy with long hair who danced tirelessly.  Eventually he and some other buddies of ours formed a gaming group with me and the Mister.  We had one campaign that ran for well over two years, and then a couple of shorter campaigns before we all just got busy and drifted away.

He moved around a bit, to New York and eventually Thailand, where he passed away.  We didn’t always get along, and sometimes I thought he was kind of a dick, and ok, it was maybe bad form to try to date one of his ex-girlfriends like that, but I liked him, a lot.  He pretty much said what he felt, which is where some of the dickishness came from, but overall he was one hell of a good guy, and I already miss him.

Axe.

Geek Girls Rule! Podcast #6 – Sex and Gaming

Yup, you knew it was bound to happen.  My friend Marcy and I talk about sex and gaming, including rape as a plothook and character backstory, gaming group relationships, flirting in character and out of character, respecting your players’ comfort zones, and the dreaded “Have you ever had sex in character?” question.

Geek Girls Rule! Podcast 6

Enjoy!